I wrote this around 2006, a whole lot of stuff has happened since then, both good and some real bad stuff too. I’ll update it when I feel the desire, right now, it’s long enough.
I’m being very open here, the whole truth, so don’t judge me or my family by anything here. If you feel you may. Please stop here…We all come from somewhere to be where we are and where we going to and in the midst of it, still continue to “go through”….
I thank you Lord that you took my past and washed it clean, you made me new, gave me a brand new life, you showed me the lies the enemy put on me to try n kill me, I thank u Lord for saving me…I pray that whatever I speak about will not bring pain but will minister healing and will reach someone thru my testimony.. In Your name Jesus, Amen.
I’m not going to go into things too deeply as this would take me a very long time; however, I may do this at a later date.
The beginning….. I was an unplanned pregnancy, before I was born the spirit of rejection was busy embedding itself within me in my mothers womb, talks of abortion and getting rid of me were plenty, but God had a plan, He knew me b4 I was even formed in her womb, and here I am today..
I was an only child..my mom got pregnant at 15 with me, I was mainly raised by my grandparents until I was about 9 then I went to live with my mom and her boyfriend…I kinda always felt in the way..my mom was very young and I loved her so much..we were more like sisters than anything..she was a strong woman..went thru a lot in her life..but those experiences made her a broken woman of which I dont think she ever recovered. She often took it out on me….I was reminded regular how I was a mistake and she wished she had the abortion.,,again, the spirit of rejection making its mark in my mind ..she used to say that I was a black this and that..was not nice to be receiving that as a young child..I never asked to be born or for my dad who I didn’t even know, to be black..my mom was half white and half asian..she was adopted as a baby by a white couple, whom I referred to as my grandparents, cos they were…they gave me so much love..more than anyone..I still miss them now….mom was abused as a baby so was taken away from her natural mother…that abuse and rejection was embedded into her which she then passed onto me….
My natural father is black & because he treated my mom so bad, she developed a problem with “blackness” on top of her own issues, she did not like being half asian and always denied it publicly. Wow this isn’t even onto me yet! But my testimony has a foundation which i cant leave out….
I’m gonna jump forward to me aged 16..During my time at school, I wasn’t really bad (in my eyes) I respected my elders, was polite and had manners. But when I was with certain friends I did get a lil involved in stealing, getting drunk, drugs here n there and boys…..Around the time my virginity was taken (it was against my will) my mom developed Ovarian cancer at the age of 32 and died shortly afterwards. This was the worst time in my whole life..I watched her turn into a living skeleton right b4 my eyes…..I lost my interest in living myself..my dad still did not pay any interest in me, did not attend my moms funeral or even call to see how I was and I had to then begin to live alone in a flat, aged 16. At this time, my grandparents were still alive and showed me much love, but about a year later, they both passed away too..so there I was..nobody in the world but me. Exposed…vulnerable. Needing to be loved so badly. no self worth..no self esteem but a lot of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness .. pride.. addictions ..hurt….hate.. ripe for someone to come along and take advantage…
I remember when my mom died and how angry I was at the world..I used to say how I hated God..which made my grandma cry at hearing me say such things, this then hurt me for hurting her..I used to say there is no God, but if there is I hate him…Lord thank u for forgiving me..if it was not for you I would not be alive now.
A lil bout my Dad..hmmm..he has many kids, I believe I’m the eldest of 10 and counting..my only memories as a child were when it was carnival time..my Grandpa used to take me, my Dad was always there, when we found him, he used to tell my grandpa, “bring Angela back here in an hour, I’ll have something for her” … y’all know he was never there, his friends comments were always “oh he left bout half hour ago, he aint comin back”..I had rejection rooted in me as a very young girl from both parents..the devil had a plan…but so did God..
Even though I was living alone, I still decided to go to college and do my A levels, it was a real struggle, but I passed them 2 yrs later…..
About a year later during my lifestyle of regularly gettin drunk, smokin weed, tryin other drugs here n there, havin sex to feel loved, cussin n swearin, jus basically livin foul without realisin it, thinkin I wasnt hurtin or killin nobody,when in actual fact I was…mainly myself..and God….
I met a man who swept me of my feet, he was a singer,blew my mind,I “thought” I fell in love, he jus sorta moved into my place without me really realising it, shortly followed him going to prison and me waiting for him as well as findin out I was pregnant.
Everything bad that could happen in a relationship, did happen in this one, I was hurting so badly, I didn’t keep the baby, my reasons at the time were we had not been together very long and I wasn’t sure about anything, he already had 3 kids by 2 different women, I always said I never wanted to be a “baby mamma” or end up like my mom did, I was scared. He said he supported the decision I made, it was a very hard thing I went thru, something I still at times find hard to live with what I did, but God is a forgiving God, but sometimes its harder to forgive ourself. Shortly afterwards I became very sick from the operation and had a condition that the Dr said could kill me, my fear deepened and I remember crying in pain to my brother, saying to him “I don’t wanna die”, my brother just looked at me, he did not know what to say, worry was all over his face. Thru all of this happening my boyfriend was still in prison.
When he came out of prison, he told me he spent the night with his ex before he went inside, this crushed me and along with everything else I had been thru, inside the anger I was already carrying just got a lil deeper, along with the fact she was a white prostitute just added to my anger and resentment, adding to my anger towards my Dad, who openly embraced young white girls and openly rejected me. Again fuelling the issue I had with black men dating white women, I hated it.
I stayed with him, deciding that due to his honesty and the affection that he showed, which seemed so genuine; the one thing with him was he knew how to show love and outward affection, even if it had its own agenda, it made me feel good at the time, but my own issues helped that along nicely…
Well shortly afterwards the beatings began… it all came out the blue for me, actually it was in the middle of a play fight he first hit me in my face, pulled my head back by my hair and spat in my face, this type of abuse continued, along with a lot of mental abuse with him regularly pushing my face into the ground so I could not breathe, hitting me in my face, smashing up my flat, punching holes in walls and doors, I worked at a bar for a time and I remember going to work with a swollen lip and cut face, I just drank myself into a bad state that night and went home with somebody else I should not have, not a random stranger, but someone very close to me who had been pursuing me for months. I don’t know why I did it, but I know how bad I felt in myself afterwards. During this time I already knew my boyfriend was dealing with other women, so along with the beatings, abuse and my total lack of self esteem, I just wanted to be loved and cared for.
After that night I felt so dirty, I never felt like I was paying him back, just felt like this isn’t me, it isn’t me, the world I was in was killing me, I was on the road to hell, in fact I felt like I already was living in hell. I was just trying to smooth the ride while I was there. There were times it escalated where I fought back a couple times, he smashed up everything in the kitchen, there was glass everywhere, I grabbed a knife and threatened to stab him in his stomach if he came any nearer, the knife was pointed into his stomach and he could see in my eyes I meant every word, I would have done it. He backed off, for a moment, then somehow he got me on the floor, strangling me, hit me on the head, I thought I was going to die, I was losing consciousness, don’t remember much else.
Just as I’m writing this, I can’t believe I’m still standing, I’m still here, I’m overwhelmed that the creator of the universe loved me as I was, died for all my sin, was able to deal with what I couldn’t, had the capacity to accept me. What good could I offer to anyone, don’t nobody love me, they just want to use me & hurt me. Except Jesus.. I didn’t know it back then…..
It got to a point where one of his friends told me he was having sex with a 16 yr old white girl as well as his prostitute ex, his friend could not live with himself if my man gave me some disease, he felt I deserved so much better, from when I had evidence of what I already suspected, that was it, I packed all his stuff, he never came home all of Christmas week, just strolled back in, saw his bags, walked past and sat down to watch TV, I told him I knew what he was doing, and wanted him to leave.
He ignored me and started to laugh, began to verbally abuse me, throwing in my face how I never kept his baby, he was using all he could to destroy me, following this, he again, pulled me on the floor, pushing my face into the floor trying to stop me breathing. Somehow, I got out of it, while in the bathroom, called my uncle and asked if he could come get him out my flat, he came and he had to leave.
Shortly after he began to try an scare me ,the silent calls, heavy breathing, trying to put my windows out at 1am, it was getting to much, so I contacted my uncle again, my Dad was aware of all this, but he didn’t care and did nothing. My uncle found him and warned him one last time, after that he left me alone.
It took some time to build myself up after that experience, but I did. Or so I thought…..
The next man I met, some months later, was coming at me full on, I was kind of shy and even though I thought he was nice I kind of half ignored him, he still persisted, I’ll call him “T”. Eventually, me and “T” got together, for me, this was wonderful, he was a good guy, well after all I went thru, he was like an angel,(what a joke) he had a car, a job, used to take me out in his car, bring me things, just basically flood me with attention, no abuse at all. I was happy, a few weeks in, he came round and told me he had 2 kids and was in the process of planning a wedding, his wedding. I was so hurt and let down and angry, but he wouldn’t leave me alone, so I stayed with him for awhile, my thought was, well I don’t know her, I aint doing nothing wrong, he is, and its about time I had some happiness for once in my life. I remember him calling me from his honeymoon!! While she was asleep in the car, he stopped off to call me!! This made me feel sick!! I remember my work friend showing me their wedding picture in the newspaper, that hurt and made it real, from that point, it hit home what was going on, I lost any respect I had for him, but was still attached, the attachment had to be broken for me to let go. I was unaware at this point how the attachment had me bound up even further.
I decided to keep my options open as this was going nowhere and I knew it had to end, it was wrong. But I still kept him around for a while, then I met somebody else, another “good” guy, funny, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t really cuss or swear, had a car, a job, No Kids and no wife! He lived over the road with his parents, no live in girlfriend either! I’ll call him “P”, I liked him, but he had a girlfriend, at this point, I didn’t see this as important, it didn’t seem serious at all, she lived far from where we did and his interest in me was obvious, so it could not have been that serious, and compared to “T”, who was now married with his family, its no big deal. I started seeing him too, so for a while I was seeing them both, my attitude was, well they both dealing with somebody too, so whatever! I’m doing ME, I’m making ME happy, cos nobody else will!!! I found some amusement in the game I was in, when one walked out the back door, the other walked in the front door, I was giggling to myself thinking this is funny; they think they are the players? About time the tables turned! They don’t have a clue! I was turning the tables, I thought. Eventually, things were getting serious with “P”, so I told “T” we were finished.
Eventually, I stopped smoking drugs, he didn’t like it, I still drank, but not as much. Well, about 3 months into us being ‘together’, he found out his ‘girlfriend’ was pregnant and when he told me, this broke my heart, he said he didn’t love her and that he wanted to be with me, I withdrew myself in many ways at this point, but I was very much attached to him, we continued on and off in our relationship, him torn between doing the right thing and wanting to be with me, eventually, he finished with her and we decided to make a go of it, she found out about me and then began her vengeance, which never ended, the child was continually used as a weapon by her. It was a mess in many ways. Just like I was deep on the inside, allowing myself to be in these situations in the 1st place. Like I say, we all come from somewhere…
He moved in with me, our relationship was going well, we eventually bought a house together, his daughter was never allowed to stay overnight, because of her moms hatred for me. His family were mixed, some were ok, some were over bearing, I felt oppressed in many ways, like I had a weight on my shoulders, he came off as a momma’s boy to me in many ways and with my past, my tolerance of this was low. There was mutual hate between myself and “P”‘s baby mother, I felt like she tried to trap him, she felt like I took her man, whereas, when I met him, he had already been unfaithful with others, did not love her or wanna be with her, I was just an exit for him at that time, not the reason.
There was always a battle going on somewhere cos of her attitude, her tactics of using his daughter worked, this put a barrier between me and him, I reacted badly in many ways, I felt like I wasn’t important enough to him, so began doing stuff to try and prove if he loved me enough, he called this “competition”, like I was making him choose between me and his daughter, I never intended it to be that way, but maybe it came out like that, but at this point, ,my anger had been carrying all my life was just bubbling under the surface, I “lost it” a few times when the anger used to control me, but I felt that while he was patient and supported me in many ways, it wasn’t enough.
In 2003, I was so deeply unhappy, I felt like I had my finger firmly on self destruct, I decided to “try church”, I told “P”, I have to try something, I can’t stay like this, I’m hurting so badly, he said its fine if I want to go, but he wont be going with me. I found this a lil disheartening, but I still made that choice, so I went to church. Eventually, not long after, I got saved, it wasn’t a one time decision for me, it was a build up that’s why I cant remember the day I accepted Jesus, I know when I decided to Try this route.
After some time “P” started to come to church with me, following this he also got saved. Some months after this we both got baptized and also decided to get married. We gave ourselves 6 months to plan the wedding, all my savings went on the wedding, a week before the wedding was his daughters birthday, he told me he was going to a party her mom arranged but I was not allowed to go, we got into another argument again, by the next day, the wedding was cancelled and we split up. This was 6 days before the wedding was to take place!!! So after 6 years together, an engagement, it was all over in 48 hours. He moved out back to his mothers, I stayed in the house we owned, eventually he bought me out and I bought my own house.
I went thru immense pain following this break up and hit a low never reached before, I think it was after a long line of pain, this was the last straw, I got to a point where every moment I was awake I felt my heart being literally ripped to pieces, it was physical and mental pain. I decided I no longer wanted this pain and did not want to live any longer, my life had been filled with so much pain, this was how I believed in my mind it had to end, I remember emptying a box of pills into my Bible and taking them one by one along with a bottle of brandy or something, I was out of it, I remember crying out to God that if this isn’t how I’m meant to die, He needed to step in, if not, I knew it was my time, I was CONVINCED it was how I was meant to go, but I now realise God had other plans than me taking my own life, my brother came around and a friend, they called an ambulance, I was immensely sick, I ended up moving to my brothers house for a while, it was not only emotional pain, it was public embarrassment, half of the church was attending the wedding, I’m not going to go into much detail here for various reasons….
I was saved but not converted, my life at that time was not built on Christ but on man, when it was removed from my life, I was crushed, it was at that point I had to start to build my life on Christ, HE had to be my foundation, so whoever comes and goes out my life now, it may hurt, but it wont crush me, I know I’ll never get to that point again, but I understand why I had to go thru it.
About 7 months after all this mess, I met an American guy who in my eyes was a real handsome guy, he was exactly what I wanted in a man, (it seemed) we clicked straight away, he also gave me a boost with all the attention, we talked every day for hours, the high I had with that guy was huge, when he came to stay with me, I was on cloud 9, my feet never touched the ground, but I was being drawn away from living the way God wanted me to, all the stuff I was telling him I’m waiting till marriage to have sex went out the window, my flesh over ruled my spirit with him, more and more I was being drawn into stuff I had no place doing as a daughter of a King, Eventually, God’s conviction hit me so hard I had to end it with him as he wasn’t prepared to wait, this was real hard for me to do as “I” wanted him but God wanted me to live the way His word instructs, that hurt and I also took it as rejection cos he wouldn’t wait, he had the option of waiting and staying together, but he also took it as rejection cos I chose God above him, I’m still friends with his mom and we talk most weeks, sometimes its hard as I don’t talk to him much cos of his attitude, I pray for him all the time and I know when he does get saved, he’ll be on fire for God. It’s a shame it didn’t work out, I felt a lot for him. But God has to come first, I learnt a lot from that experience and I believe it happened for a reason. I do think it was a rebound thing, only meant for a season. Eventually, if someone is pulling you away from God and His way of living, unless they decide to give over their life to Jesus, then you have to let them go, otherwise your pulled under, lil by lil….
Sex before marriage contaminates the relationship, God didn’t put it in His word for no reason or to be mean, it isn’t easy waiting at times, but its essential, it develops a heart condition that’s essential in serving God. A woman with a murky past can also become a virtuous woman.
The devil will never gives up on trying to get back his “blind followers”. A couple years later, I met a guy, I was fond of him, just getting to know him, I was in church, serving the Lord, in fact organising a fund raiser for the church, the guy was raised in the church BUT wasn’t saved. One night, he came to my house, he arrived hours later than planned and I was tired, he kept coming on to me, of which I was saying no and walking away from him while he was tugging at my clothes, it was clear I didn’t want to do anything sexual, anyway to cut it short, sex happened and it was against my will, it hurt me physically and mentally and spiritually. He was a drummer and was very strong, I was held in positions while he had his way. I had no chance really. Afterwards, He did not realise the damage he had done, (so he said), but I went straight into prayer and fasting following this incident, also went to church on the Sunday feeling very dirty, only problem is, a so called friend from church got involved when I told her in confidence what had happened after she was questioning me continually, she took the info to church, without having the full facts, of which I asked her not to. Basically, I got hurt by the church, it seemed to them I had sinned against the church, they had failed to hear it was against my will. My reaction was not good, I left church for a couple years, began to do what I wanted as I felt that people in the world wouldn’t have put more hurt on top of hurt. I don’t believe I sinned against the church to this day, I have had an apology since, and eventually I forgave and went back to church again, realising that people are people, whether saved or not and sometimes get things wrong. My ex fiancé is still in the same church, he is now married with another new baby, sometimes this gets to me when I attend church and am still not married, sitting next to an empty chair with no husband next to me, I so much desire to be married, my husband to be saved and us both walking the same path, in time I believe this will happen. God has not forgotten me.
I was a broken damaged person that suffered abuse in many ways, I wasn’t a bad person, I always had a loving heart and wanted to be loved back, I was someone who was living in pain on a daily basis, a lot was rooted in un-forgiveness of those that hurt me and pushed me towards wrong actions and words. All of which were leading me to hell, whether God loved me or not, I was choosing my path by my actions.
So now at this point of writing this been working on my relationship with God and have grown so much in my walk with Him, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m definitely not where I used to be, I still mess up, still make mistakes, we all sin! But He has shown Himself real to me in many ways. I believe in myself now, I know God has given me a gifting of which I am nurturing. God values me and chose to set me apart.
Most recently I bumped into the guy who used to beat me, when I told Him I’m living for Jesus now, his response was ” I always knew you were on a different level and out my league then, I always knew you’d amount to good”, he kept hugging me and saying how good it was to see me, he looked a mess to be honest, while I just stepped out the salon looking all good! Hey I’m just keeping it real here! This man abused me! Seeing him did shake me up somewhat, it took me a few hours to stop shaking, it was weird, I knew he couldn’t hurt me no more or anything, but its like that old fear came back again from the beatings. But after a few prayers, I was good again.
I’ll leave it there; there is a lot here which I tried to condense down. I been through a lot, this testimony has captured a lot but by FAR it won’t contain all of my life experiences, without Jesus in my life, I believe I would be DEAD 6 feet under, no doubt about it. I so much want God to continue the work he began in me and HE will, the devil wants me back, and tries on a regular basis to do this. You may not believe it but even me “blogging” has bought me much attack from the devil for exposing him. But I continue on, for others getting revelation, conviction and salvation are more important. I hope one day I can be truly happy in a marriage of my own, have my own family, but it has to be someone who God has ordained for me, not someone Angela chooses, I haven’t made the best choices so far! I know what I’d like, but one thing’s for sure, God knows what I need…..
Well, I haven’t seen my dad in years and years, I remember all the hate I used to have for him for his total rejection of me, it took me about 2 years into being saved to deal with the anger within me regarding him. I went to my Grandad’s wife’s 65th birthday party 2 weeks ago, guess who was there, yes, my dad, sitting one table next to mine. He never said hello or bye, despite standing right next to me a few times. How could a man do this to his own daughter, his first child?
A couple of times I thought to speak to him, ya know be the bigger person, but something was holding me back. I did feel a little embarrassed as people could see this was the situation, since growing in my walk with God, I’m not comfortable with negativity.
Well, basically what I’m getting at is this, I never got angry or even hurt!!! For the 1st time in all my life, something that man did (or didn’t do) did not affect me, I remained fully at peace and had a joy on me, I knew it was God telling me, “Angela, I have healed you of this, finally, be at peace”. When I left, on my way driving home, I prayed for my Dad, but inside, felt a lil disappointment that it has to be this way.
My own Dad rejecting me is something I have gotten over, I have gone from picturing in my mind this man being on fire on the floor burning to death while I watch and do nothing!!! To now praying for him….that’s a big stage to pass onto!! Glory to God, I know it’s not me, it’s the Lord working in me, if it had been the old me, I would have kicked off in there! But inside I sat quietly at the back table, at peace, knowing “who’s” I am…
Lord, I just want to thank you for giving me the boldness to be so transparent to the world, some may not have the capacity to deal with my past, for others it may bring hope. I pray that it ministers to people the goodness of who you are Lord and that there is no limits to your love and mercy. You can save anyone, no matter what they do. You died for everyone, even those that do the abusing, but you know Lord that hurting people, hurt people. Lord I pray that whoever you send in my direction, that you help me to continue to be open and honest, I pray you protect me from abuse. Let my focus Lord remain on you and sharing the goodness of who you are. Thank you Jesus for changing my life. I look forward to the next chapter of this book called My life……
In Jesus Name